Monday, September 26, 2011

Cooking for the Extremely Pregnant: Redux........I Have No Idea What Redux Means......I'll Put a Dollar in the DoucheBag Jar

THANK THE SWEET GOODNESS Pregpolean Bonaparte's crazy pregnant food craving was for something that didn't come out of a box with a talking glove on the front today!!!!!! I asked her what she wanted me to cook for dinner in passing, hoping she wouldn't give it much thought, thus preventing us from eating Tuna Helper with sweet pickles topped with pineapple and a side of raw hot dog......I hope she doesn't read this.......
To my distinct satisfaction, her craving was for a Jacked Up Grill classic, Grilled Chicken Fettucine Alfredo. I have been cooking this for her for years, and though it is totally phoning it in compared to some of the wacky food I have been making lately, it is tasty, so feel free to reproduce.....The food I mean. I'm not encouraging any of you to actually reproduce....I mean, it's the greatest joy of my life, but I'm old and wise and....old, so it is the right timing for Pregdemort and me, but you, my only reader, shouldn't jump into anything without thinking it through first. Jeez, this is awkward, just make the food, already.

So most of my cooking on this site is done on Meatblaster or in the as-yet-unnamed smoker, but some things call for a few minutes on the stove, and this is one of that group. This is quick, easy, and it tastes like something you would order off of a menu at a Chili's or O'Charley's at the very least. So go for it. And if you have an extremely pregnant lady around, you will make her very happy.

The Jacked Up Grill's Chicken Fettucine Alfredo
1 boneless skinless chicken breast
6-8 heads of broccoli
1/4 pound Fettucine pasta (we used Buitoni, which is in the cold food section, usually next to the cans of biscuits.......I know this section well)
1 jar Alfredo sauce (we use Bertolli 4 cheese)
2 tbsp butter
1 tbsp olive oil
Salt & Pepper to taste

First, boneless chicken breasts are usually very thick, so wrap one in plastic wrap and beat it violently with something like a rolling pin until it is about twice its original diameter, and about 1/2 inch in thickness. This gives you more surface area for seasoning with salt and pepper, speeds the cooking time, and makes it easier to slice. Beating your proteins is a regular theme around these parts (see my post about Chicken Paillards), and it is a great technique to make better grilled food.
So pound out one chicken breast for every two people, and brush lightly with olive oil. sprinkle with salt and pepper, and place on a preheated grill for about 5 minutes per side. It doesn't take long when it's this thin, so don't let it dry out!
The rest is a piece of cake......that's confusing, there's no cake. Oh crap, PregaMind probably will read this and want cake........The rest is EASY. Just heat up the alfredo sauce in a sauce pan (the two are made for each other. No irony there), and add the butter to the sauce, to make it more luscious. Boil some water, and add a good dose of salt to the water so your pasta doesn't taste like dried glue. Drop in the pasta and let it simmer until tender.
NOTE!!! When you use dry pasta, it takes a while to cook. When you use fresh pasta, like we did, from the cold food section (next to the biscuits, remember? Mmmmmm biscuits), it only takes a minute or two to cook. If it goes too long, it becomes a mush the consistency I mentally associate with zombie brains, and no one wants to eat that.
The broccoli can be cooked in any number of ways, but we simply steamed ours for a few minutes. Very easy.
Slice the chicken on the bias (which means you cut on an angle, rather than with the knife blade straight up and down).
To assemble, put down a pile of pasta, pour over the hot sauce, and top with chicken slices and broccoli pieces.

Serve hot, accompanied with a pregnancy-friendly beverage (I gave the Old Gal Diet Coke), and prepare to reap the rewards of your cooking "labor." These rewards include a significantly lower chance of having your head bitten off for changing the channel off of House Hunters International, even when football is on.

Stay tuned, Loyal Reader. We will be back to creating zany, spicy, ironic grilled food very soon. Until then....

New Baby. We are waiting. But we are getting very impatient.


  1. I think Pregpolean Bonaparte was the funniest thing I've read all day.

    I don't care if it is a repeat, it is still a classic and I'm sure it tasted great.

    Best of luck on the delivery.

  2. Delivery was a success! Little Jay Lucas was born on the 28th 9 lb 2 oz. And thanks for reading! I thought the only one who read this blog was my mother in law. Glad to see a fellow knoxvillian too.